The Jethro Burger at Little Coalinga

(one Tuesday in December 2012)

Contributing authors and masticators: Scooter, Murph, Dewey, and Jason 

SCOOTER

I was honored my fellow Lizardz agreed to venture with me for lunch one day to a rather sketchy neighborhood in east Soo Foo, near the intersection of 8^th and Indiana. No, we didn’t dine at the former McDonald’s turned Chinese joint. We weren’t lunching at the Mexican grocery store with the “taco-teria” in the back. Nor were we slurping soup at The Banquet.  

Our mission, that day, was to tackle what I personally believe is the most scrumptious sandwich this town has to offer, the Jethro Burger at the Little Coalinga Bar (and grill?). The recipe for this sensation is simple, but nobody builds it quite like Jane, the owner, or her sometimes surly, hard-workin’ twin sister, Jean. It’s two patties of fresh, never frozen ground beef, 2 slices of some sort of gooey orange cheese product, 2 crispy, precisely criss-crossed bacon strips and pickles jammed between a plain white hamburger bun. I always ask one of “The Twins” for some spicy mustard and Tabasco sauce, and I coat the thing with ketchup and thirty-some dashes of black pepper.  

For my side, I choose tater-tots instead of fries. You see, I’m on a mission to single-handedly bring “the tot” back from near extinction. Even if your conscience says NO to JethRO, sometimes it’s good to just close your eyes, shut your mouth, then open your mouth again, but only to chomp-down on a little bit of Americana. The Jethro… as satisfying as the comedy of Jethro Bodine and his buxom, cross-dressing cousin, Jethrine, BOTH played by Max Baer, Jr. in the 1960s series The Beverly Hillbillies.                                                    

Jethrine Bodine

I must admit, my favorite memories of the Little Coalinga come from after-hours good-times with friends. There’s simply NO BETTER PLACE in town to toss back an Old Style… followed-by a Grain Belt… chased by a couple of “tubs” of Jim Beam and Coke w/limes, while snacking on day-old popcorn and jammin’ to Audioslave’s “Show Me How To Live” cranked to 11 on their ear-blisterin’ juke box. God, I love The Coalinga. Don’t mind the occasional Wal-Martian dart-throwers. They’re friendly, as long as you keep outa their line of fire. 

When I get to choose the place to celebrate a milestone in my life, I find myself drawn to The Coalinga. I spent a couple of hours there on November 9, 2010, puffing-away on some of my old man’s stale Carltons on the last day we had the freedom to smoke in a bar in the state of South Dakota… and I DON’T smoke! It’s also where I spent about 13 hours on October 20, 2009, saying farewell to work friends the day I resigned from a company I’d proudly worked at for over 20 years. There’s just something magical about the simplicity of Jane’s Little Coalinga Bar, 114 North Indiana Avenue, Sioux Falls, South Dakota, 57103, 605-338-9351.  No website…

P.S. – I Googled Coalinga, trying to figure out what the hell it is. It’s got something to do with coal mining in a town in California. Look it up for yourself if you really care. I just think Coalinga is an AWESOME name!

MURPH

The real deal… we’re talkin’ the absolutely authentic, gen-u-ine article.  You know the moment you see, feel, and taste it.  That’s the vibe served up daily at Little Coalinga.  The infamous neighborhood bar & grill just over the tracks (literally) from downtown.  An establishment so completely free of pretense and hypocrisy, the absence of such renders the place perfect.  No phony façades, themes, or otherwise annoying B.S. The very sort of place a national “neighborhood” type chain would spend millions trying to unsuccessfully copy. 

Be advised there are a few unspoken messages clearly understood soon as you walk in the door.  First, “We’re glad you’re here!  Unless you don’t pay your tab, then we got issues.”  Second, “We serve it fresh every day - not fancy but really GOOD food and you’ll get plenty of it.  Just be a little patient and don’t piss off the help.”  We shared an elevated table with a couple of regulars.  My bar stool slanted off at a nearly impossible angle.  However, any discomfort was completely forgotten soon as our orders arrived.  Little Coalinga’s famous “Jethro” burger with a side of tater-tots.  Yum!  Not enough tots in the world.  The regulars had the special:  a better than homemade, steaming hot beef sandwich with mashed potatoes so enticing I immediately regretted ordering the burger!  Leave it to the locals to get it right.  We’re talkin’ authentic down to the sliced white bread overflowing with gravy. Good Golly Miss Molly!     

As you might expect, the burger was phenomenal, one of the best I’ve had, period. I imagine everything on the menu at Little Coalinga is equally good for the same reason. It really is homemade… only better.  Try as you may, you just can’t pull this off at your place.  Is it the fresh, never frozen beef or the grill I imagine was doing its job back in the 1970’s? In the end, it comes down to people… real people.  Reminds me of the kind of place Don Henley sang about down at the Sunset Grill. 

Everything at Little Coalinga is real so you be real too.  Otherwise, they’ll see right through you.  Speaking of, while I was there I saw a guy wearing a full jogging suit.  Who does that these days?  Merely retired?  Or yeah, exactly what I was thinking…  MOB GUY IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM!!!  This only confirms what I’d always suspected.  If you wanna go somewhere and never be found… where the weather is crappy sometimes but always gives you something to talk about… welcome to South Dakota!  While you’re in town, let’s go down to Little Coalinga.  That little place across the tracks where the drinks are cold, the folks are real and the food is really, really, good. 

DEWEY

Let’s just get the actual “burger review” out of the way quick-like. It was downright “Mama’s kind of greasy goodness” delicious! The Jethro Burger. A double-bacon-cheeseburger that makes you feel like you’re a man. Even Jason! Plus friggin’ tater tots. Who serves tater tots? Someone who’s awesome, that’s who.

Now… let’s get down to the real benefits of going to the Little Coalinga. EDUCATION. Yes, education. You are bound to learn something new every time you go. Whether it’s a new hairstyle or maybe you’ve never witnessed the “trucker-Schlitz-bearded-buckshot” décor that is unique to Little Coalinga.

You’ll want to eavesdrop on as many conversations as you can, as well. You could hear everything from plumbing or bedroom tips, to marketing or financial advice. And you probably wouldn’t find a happier group of customers in town. These people are REAL.

And isn’t it cool when you walk into a place that’s really dark inside… and it’s a bright sun-shiny-day outside? Every single sole in this joint turns, squints, and checks to see what kind of awesome people are walking through the door.

JASON

The Little Coalinga. I guarantee you there isn't another place in the entire continental United States called Little Coalinga. I say "continental" because Alaska is just straight up strange. And the size of China. So for all I know, there could be 78 Little Coalinga's in the Nome vicinity alone. I better Google it. Nope. Made it to page 5 and the closest I got was the "Little Chickadee" bouquet at a floral shop in Coalinga, CA. 

Well a bouquet of flowers the Little Coalinga Ain't! It's probably closer to a slab of granite swung directly at the ribcage. What I mean by that is…you are going to feel like Eastwood walking into a bar in A Fistful of Dollars. You might as well yell "There's a new sheriff in town!" because no matter what, everyone is going to stop what they are doing and turn and stare at you. You have disrupted their lair by opening the door to the outside world. 

But DO NOT FEAR my fine-feathered friend. If you can get past the ghouls that haunt the Coalinga on a regular basis, you will discover what otherworldly power draws them there. Just have a seat, wait for one of the lovely gals to come assist you, and order the Jethro Burger. More than likely, she won't say a word. She will chuckle to herself as she prepares your Iced Tea…knowing full well you have no idea what you just did. I mean…you might as well have opened the portal to release the Necronomicon (any Army of Darkness fans out there? Hello?). What arrives in front of you a short time later will be the beginning of a righteous experience. Bring the holy water and your ipod with Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah because earbuds or not, you are going to hear the choir singing. 

BUN. MEAT. CHEESE. MEAT. CHEESE. BACON. BUN. 

THAT. JUST. HAPPENED. 

As always…thank me later. 

p.s. Don't forget the side of 'tots.

Thank you to all of those who powered through the latest Lunch Lizardz fine dining experience. Now, go get yourself a "Jethro" and some tots from Little Coalinga.

Sincerely,

The Lunch Lizardz